It was an innocuous, innocent question posed on the forum. It read this way “Are you lonely right now?” My hands itched to answer the question that has been answered by someone else but I steeled myself from revealing too much of what’s been on my mind lately.
I’m happy enough. But I know I know I could be happier. I lose myself in the frenetic bustle of a string of events ---Fusion at Serendara last time, free inner growth sessions at Hope Center, a retreat every now and then, my routine in the morning ---listening to Chico and Delle, being active in the rxmorningrush.com forum and answering and posting in the different threads, chatting with kindred souls, losing myself in the pages of a book, transporting myself to a different plane watching the larger than life images on the big screen at the movies,getting lost in the world of theater, meeting my gay best buds, ebs with my support group members, being passionately alive as I could possibly be but could I drive away the pervading shadows ofpensiveness?
I am sad because I’m alone as can be. I’m sad because of some compromises I have made. In the inner regions of my soul, I seek for comfort in search of my God.
St. Augustine
said that our hearts are restless until they rest in thee. I am restless.I must find my God.Yet he is there ---in the everyday sun that greets me, he is there in the people I meet, he is there in the events of the day, in the natural unfolding of life, in the inner workings of my soul, in the friends I have, in the people I work with,in the beauty of nature. He is there. But how come I feel so far away, so removed from his presence? I must learn to love God more. But first he must find me. Find me, Lord. Find me, Jesus.You have said that you will never leave me, nor forsake me. Where were you in the saddest moments of my life? Where were you in the lack-luster days? But you were there. You were always around.I just choose to close my eyes to your presence.
It is meant to be comforting --- that we must tell God first about how we feel. Well, last night I told you. I told you I want to be married. I told you that I want my kids back with me. In fact, I told
Roy
laughingly last night that I wanted to be married today.I was laughing but I was near tears.
Where are you, Lord?Where are you , Lord in the 13 years and still counting years of separation from my hubby? My annulment will take ages but I want to settle down now before I'm too old and too broken to love again.
I’m sad. I’m naked and bare as can be in my sadness.
The day I
learned that I was admitted to the M. A. Reading program in UP transported me
to a different high. For a month I woke up with a smile plastered on my face
and the first thought of the day back then was that I’m a UP student. I floated
like an angel on earth.
The first 1.0
grade I received made me ecstatic. I felt that I truly belonged. I took to my
courses like a fish takes to water. After a year I became a CSC-LSP scholar and
I was excited. I filed for a sabbatical leave. But it coincided with the demise
of my marriage. I packed my boys off to my folks in the province and faced
singlehood once more in UP. Studying in UP literally saved my life.
UP was and is
fun. I blossomed. I was focused. UP was a life-saver. Then I became classmates
with Mark whom I first laid eyes on outside our classroom. He was smiling at
me. Little did I know that an insanity of sorts would grip me, possess me. With
just one look, I was undone and I fell crazily head over heels in love. It
resulted in 8 crazy anonymous letters which I sent to him. But I was found out
on the 3rd or 4th letter. Sniff. That was because we passed by his house with me singing
a line from “On the Street Where You Live” from “My Fair Lady”.LOL But my first
love letter to him is one for the books. If there’s a future contest on love
letters, I’d send it. It was and is sublime. Puhleze, allow me my illusions.
But my friends did say that it was lovely. I waxed poetic. That was an
eight-page green scented letter. I was like an applicant vying for a place in
his heart. LOL I sent him Charlie Brown and Jules Feiffer cartoons which I drew for I’m a copy artist, snippets
of poetry and songs , lines from literature and a Ziggy card.
Falling in love
with Mark was one of the best things that happened to me in UP. Not that
anything came out of it; we never became an item. My transformation inside was
intensely dramatic.I became in touch with the child inside of me. He animated
me when I felt like dust. John Irving wrote that sorrow floats. Well, love
floats too. I realized that the love I
had for my hubby was mere play. But his girlfriend got good and mad at me. She
thought I was out to get him from her clutches. I just admired him, I knew
where my place was --- to be outside the realm of his existence. He changed my
life for the better. I learned that an individual could inspire me even if
we’re not together. He opened up dimensions of myself that I never dreamed
existed. I learned that I could love truly,madly, deeply like a
Savage
Garden
song of old . Only when we are in love could we be come our
best selves. Because I could not love him the way I wanted to I just prayed for
him. I even had a perpetual mass card made for him at the Cenacle Retreat
House.Sometimes I wonder if I’d ever see him again. I’d like to invite him for
a cup of coffee and trade stories with him, kid him and tell him how much I
have evolved. I would like to thank him for being there in my life that time --- distant and far away but nevertheless a
presence that inspired me and one that I treasure. I want to have coffee with
him, one of the 50 things I want to do before I die.NO, I’m not dying and I’m not
being morbid, I just want to talk to him hopefully with the blessing of his
wife.
My life at the
boarding house with Almira, a law student and certified lawyer now was zany – we walked all over the place, discussed
the things closest to our hearts, w laughed and sang songs when we meet each
other in the hallway at 3 a.m., attended mass at Della Strada and did fun
things together.
I learned in UP
that I could hobnob with the best. I flourished academically. I was never a
slacker of a student even before but it was in UP that I felt I truly belonged.I still
dream of earning another degree in UP
and continuing my dreams. I am proud to be a UP alumnus.I wear my UP t-shirts
with pride, my satchel pinned with a UP centennial pin. I had fun during the
centennial and befriended Aileen who is taking up MASSCOM. We are close friends
to this day.
UP holds fond memories for
me. UP is Mark. Mark is UP. UP is Almira. Almira is UP.UP stands for my beloved
professors like Dr. Dina Ocampo,Dr. Nemah Hermosa,Dr. Lina de Rivera and Dr. Lara . UP stands for my classmates like Mary Christine, Razeale Vic and the rest.Whenever wonderful news of
excellence about UP students and professors hit the news, I feel a surge of
pride. The glory that Mikaela Fudolig or Patricia Evangelista and the others reflect on all of us who belong to a living
history of pride and excellence.I will forever hold steadfast to the badge of
excellence that is ingrained in me by
UP. Animo UP!
When I was six
years old my aunt used a cardboard to write the letters of the alphabet to
teach me. The young scholar in me resisted and I tore it to pieces until a
second one was procured and a thwack on my bottom taught me that aunts are to be
obeyed. Three years after, the reluctant reader became enthralled with the
contents of the bookcase of my mom and the very first pocketbook she read as a
third grader was “The Dazzle in the Sea” by Flora Kidd. I was hooked and there
was no turning back. In high school I took the competitive exams for wannabe
writers and I made it as literary editor. In college I became a writer of both
the college and university papers. My course was A.B. Sociology and yet there I
was enamored with English. Fast forward to 1984, I couldn’t land a job. My dear
Uncle Rick gave me a choice to watch a famous play then or enroll in PNU. I
chose the latter and became a reluctant teacher.
It was precisely
my ken in English that they took me out of Grade III and transferred me to
Grade VI so I could handle journalism classes. To date I have brought at least
a hundred journalism awards in my school that included our paper being a
semi-finalist in the 2006 Catholic Mass Media Awards. That pretty much made my
year. I was ecstatic.
How does a reluctant
teacher teach? She teaches with much kicking and tantrum bouts. Nah. I came to
love it. When it’s my turn to teach, doors would slam on both sides because the
teachers aver that I teach with much fanfare. You see, I’m a music lover and I
bring the cd player to my classes where we listen to music and compare notes
about our Youtube experiences and anything music. I’m a devoted listener of
Monster Radio Rx 93. 1 so my kids get to
listen to
Chico
and
Del
’s top ten during their seatwork; we get
a kick out of it. I even jump started a journal writing session by making my
students listen to “Diary” with both the versions of Pink and Britney Spears.
The children lapped it up.
I love ice
breakers and I use it for my informal language lessons by asking questions from
the Query boxes from Papemelroti and Ice Breakers 1 and 2. I also use the Think
on Your feet questions to kick off a discussion or a journal entry.
When Adarna
books used to be bought for a song, I would buy different titles from the
profit of the lugaw we sell in the classroom. I created a mini-library for my
students. Then in 1995 I enrolled for an M. A. Reading at the premiere
university of the land. I was hooked all the more. I love the engagement
activities and the arsenal of reading strategies that I learned. The UP and
FAPE libraries boast a collection of books of sheer beauty and a veritable
fount of information which I tried in my classes.
First day
classes are usually staid affairs for most teachers but not for me. I play
games with the kids. I wanted to show them that learning is fun. It should be.
I love Harry
Potter to death. My tests would include items on HP, music, general
information, scientific, encyclopedic tidbits, TV shows, popular ideas, politics
and whatnot. I enjoy dishing them out so much that the books I have co-authored
“Experiencing Powerful English” for SIBS Publishing House is replete with
stories of hope, wonder and a deep appreciation of life. I am proud to say that
I have added a social dimension to our series by adding topics like abortion,
workers in our midst, teenage pregnancy and the like.
I’m not known to
shirk life. I teach more than the agreement of subject and verb. I teach life.
I’m so passionate about it that sex is part of the things I teach. I tell them
that sex should be with the right person, at the right time and right place
huwag naman sa Jollibee. My students crack up because I tackle heavy issues
with a light touch. I joke quoting lines from Snoopy like Beauty Tip- how to
look younger: "Don’t be born so soon. "I love to laugh and my students laugh with
me. If I can induce laughter, I could also reduce them to tears. I make them
draw their thoughts on a journal and have tell me what is foremost on their minds. I
had students who cried about their problems. So I offered them a listening and free telephone
counseling numbers from Crisis Line to Dial-a-Friend.
I am their
teacher and friend to boot so much so that one boy came to me during a lull in class and asked,
“Ma’am , masarap ba ang sex?” I was taken aback and only said, “There are times
when it is and times when it isn’t.” Boy, an English teacher is really
something.
My love for
Harry Potter made me join Pinoy Hogwarts and I in turn encouraged my students to
join. I am also into blogging and so I networked with my students in Friendster
where I posted my love letters, book reviews, and my musings on life,
friendship and love.
I also lend my
HP books to Christopher, one of my dearest students and I sent him my HP 7 book
to
Davao
just
so he could read it. Karen one of students paid me the best compliment ever.
“We don’t like English because we love it.” What more could I say? I’m blown
away.
I’m a copy
artist and I love to draw so I share my passion for the arts by incorporating
art in my lessons. I also love museums. I have brought my young writers to
Bantayog ng mga Bayani. I made them write reviews of Lualhati Bautista’s Dekada
’70, Fred Gipson’s Old Yeller etc, the music of Lea Salonga and martial law and
a myriad of other topics as well.
Last year, I
became a Gurong Kaakbay. I taught students format poetry writing, the teachers
more strategies, held an Adarna book fair for a week that generated a whopping
sale of P59, 960 and spear-headed a “Read-to-a-Patient “
activity at the Ospital ng
Makati
.
But it’s not all
sunny and bright teaching students. I had review classes with the last five
Grade VI lowest sections in school (we had 20 sections) and a lump formed in my throat when a girl said ‘”Tuturuan mo kaming
mag-Ingles.” They had barely three months with me and I wanted to give them so
much. I knew I was competing with a lot of factors: TV, internet, computer
games, malls, no study habits, no reading role models at home and I wouldn’t
say I wasn't daunted. But I had fun with them. I celebrated their little successes.
I was so happy when I gave them opportunities to speak one by one and they were
able to form sentences.They were silent no more. They were given the
opportunity to speak.
Next year, I’d
introduce my students to Shelfari.com, a network of book lovers, poemhunter.com
and allmusicals.com. The future is bright. I am in the zone. I’m proudly Pinay
and proud to be a teacher. I am a reluctant teacher no more.
N.B. This is my entry to the "How, How the Carabao: Tales of Teaching English in the Philippines ." If it passes muster it will be part of an anthology a research project of ELTnet Philippines which aims to provide a venue for English Language teachers of Philippine public schools to engage in a dialogue with other teachers of English in the country.
Today is my youngest son’s birthday. We met at
Guadalupe for lunch but it was past 1 pm already and he has eaten already, so
did I so we just settled for a
Rocky
Road
sundae each.
I asked him to accompany me to Robinson’s
Galleria but as we took the MRT we decided to go to Megamall instead.We entered
via Powerbooks and as we exited my bag beeped and so the guard had to look at
it. Inside was my Prince Caspian book
which I bought at Buy the Book in Market!Market!I was testy to the guard and
Inno said I blow my fuse much too easily.
As we neared the Information, I heard a guy
comment that there’s a lost child.But he didn’t lift a finger to help her so I
sans a Wonder Woman cape rushed to the weeping girl’s side. I said do you speak
English? She gave me a blank stare. Nein. I asked : “Are you Korean?” and she
nodded.
I asked the lady at the Information booth where
I could bring the child and one of the personnel pointed me to the guards at
the entrance of the mall.So with the girl in tow, by this time she trustingly
has her hand clasped in mine , the guard accompanied us to the admin office.
I could only say “Aja” to her like the dork
that I am which I learned from my brief stint as an English online teacher .As I’m
not an avid fan of Korean telenovelas save for the briefest of times I watched
the episodes of the handsome bida and his equally pretty girlfriend that for
the life of me I could not recall the name. You know, the one with the owner of
restos and the girl he had impregnated without his knowledge after a one night
stand.My point? I could have learned more than “Aja!” which is roughly
translated to “You can do it!” as I was told.
I was my bossy self as I dictated to the guy in
the admin the description of the young girl who was dressed in a white and red
floral shirt, white shorts and light blue flowered sandals.I even suggested that
she use the PA system to call out to her mama.She said “Mama” but she was in
tears again. The guy must have felt I was a handful myself and he said, “Ma’am,
we can take charge now.” So I bid the young girl goodbye.
My son skated while I wandered around finally
buying a polo for my eldest son at a
discounted price at Bench.Then I went back to the admin to ask for the little
girl’s whereabouts. Apparently after about 10 minutes her mother came for her.
That is how , I, Imelda , saved the world
before bedtime. I did more than Madonna traipsing in her non-clothes did with J.T.
in their song “4 minutes”. Hehehe I did
my bit for mankind today around 3 in the afternoon, May 5, 2008.True it was
just a small deed but , boy, do I feel good about it.
Vigi sent me this video of Morrissey and Siouxie's "Interlude". It's very lovely, very poetic and evocative of a certain mood and time.I think it's perfect music to cozy up to.Really now.
INTERLUDE Time is like a dream And now, for a time, you are mine Let's hold fast to the dream That tastes and sparkles like wine
Who knows (who knows) If it's real Or just something we're both dreaming of What seems like an interlude now Could be the beginning of love
Loving you Is a world that's strange So much more than my heart can hold Loving you Makes the whole world change Loving you, I could not grow old
No, nobody knows When love will end So till then, sweet friend ...
Time is like a dream And now, for a time, you are mine Let's hold fast to the dream That tastes and sparkles like wine
Who knows (who knows) If it's real Or just something we're both dreaming of ? What seems like an interlude now Could be the beginning of love What seems like an interlude now Could be the beginning of love What seems like an interlude now
Note Bene: This is a love letter-cum-goodbye letter which I wrote for
Roy
, a boulangier (French forbaker). He is a management degree holder from St .Louis University in
Baguio
City
. He became my boyfriend, parted ways and became an item again. This time,hopefully, for keeps.
My ideas on sex would, hopefully, not offend the sensibilities of liberal-minded people if they happen to read this. I do not frown on anyone who expresses his/her sexuality his/her own way. That is his/her stand, his/her take on sexuality. I am definitely a product of my generation and the way I was drilled when I was younger. But please don’t get me wrong, I envy those who shag whenever and whomever when they feel like it without compunction. I’m too old for that. Period. But it does not stop me from wanting it though. I’m too human and too honest to say otherwise. LOL I won’t say I shall never shag. I don’t want to make promises. Nor do I want to say things with finality. In the wink of an eye, I could change. But as for now, I’m okay with this kind of life I’m leading sans a shaggedelic life. To each his own as they say. Marilyn Monroe was quoted to have said this –“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.” I wish I could say amen to that. I don’t go along with nature, I swim upstream, and this at best makes me an aberration of nature. LOL
May 22, 2003
Dear Roy,
I started a letter for you last April 30 but I wasn’t ready yet. I think I’m ready now or I wouldn’t be here pounding on the keys as if my life depended on it.
Have you heard TATU’ssong “30 minutes”? “ Out of sight, out of mind, out of time to decide. Do we run? Should I hide for the rest of my life? Can we fly? Do we stay? We could lose, we could fail and the moment it takes to make friends or mistakes…30 minutes to alter our lives, 30 minutes to make up my mind, 30 minutes to finally decide, 30 minutes to whisper your name, 30 minutes to shoulder the blame…” I’m ready now for my 30 minutes…
I have fallen in love with my gay friend twice. But I was safe with him. I don’t feel safe with you because you’re straight. There’s only one Mark in my life, the only one that I “wooed”. I think I’m good at it but women as a rule are not the initiators and I’m afraid I might fail from stopping myself to never, never foist my unwanted affections on anybody. So I’m bidding you goodbye.
I don’t want to look at friends differently because it alters the landscape of my mind and my emotions. I don’t know what it is with me but I need to be in full control. I guess that harks back to the scar tissues I gained in my married life. I feel the need to be single-minded like a guy in the pursuit of my dreams. Ever a woman of mind and a woman of passion --- at times never the twain shall meet but my mind holds the upper hand.
I’m beefing up a history of goodbye. Early this year, at the time I was being ferociously friendly with you, I was trying to forget Glenn who is a UP alumni. I get attracted to intelligent guys, methinks I should look for other qualities to be attracted to. Glenn treated me like a girlfriend ---- woke me with his text messages, asked if I’ve eaten already, called andtexted me often but he wasn’t mine, his wife owns him. When I detected that I was beginning to look at him more than just a friend, I said goodbye. He wrote a very beautiful response to my letter. Just the slightest hint of danger and I’m off that’s why I’m signing off. I’m bidding goodbye to Rommel too. I’m very good at recognizing what I don’t want. Heck, I’m no user, got to go before my good karma runs out…I want someone like the line in this poem “But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, and loved the sorrows of your changing face…”
I must purge myself of my need of you. I must banish you, excise you from my thoughts. I must cut and cut cleanly, turn 360 degrees and veer away as if the devils of Hades are in hot pursuit of me. I love to scare myself at times.Hahaha I have looked at the enemy and the enemy is I. I must vanquish myself and return to the disciplined and ordered way of thinking and feeling. No distractions must bedevil me. I do not want you to be a tenant in my heart and mind because it will be my undoing and I do not want to unravel.
Never to feel anything for a human being is to be in a bleak, arid state. In spite of the fact that I obviously feel something for you, I do not feel bitter. Not at all. Emotions spice up our lives.
When you held my hand I felt so loved. (You know the right buttons to push, I'd say.) With the bad blood between my hubby and me I could not recall that he had ever held my hands and that I felt secure. For the briefest of moments you made me feel secure.
Lana told
Clark
in “Smallville” that hiding the truth keeps people apart, now I’m telling you the truth but we will still be apart. Still that’s okay. At least to the very end, there’s no subterfuge, no guile, just the plain unvarnished truth. That’s what people will always get from me ---honesty which is a trait that’s fast disappearing…My friends get mega doses of it and at times I can really be one too many.
I feel the stirrings of interest for you but I’m very practical. I cannot allow myself to fall in love with someone I don’t know and who refuses to be known. The second part is the crux of the matter actually but I’m taking things in stride. I’ve read this a long time ago ---“Man cannot love the thing he does not know.” True. I’m a firm believer of this tenet of wisdom. I have learned my lessons well, if there’s a thing that boggles my mind and refuses categorization, eludes my analytical prowess, I let it be. I accept and let go. I may be stubborn at times but I’m not blind. I strive to protect myself from loving too much. God, I pray that I shall always be this way. So I know that the love I feel for you will eventually fade with the inevitability and certainty of things because it has nothing to sustain it. R. Kelly sang “I’m the only thing you’ve got.” and Nivea , his partner sang “If you’re the only thing I’ve gotthen I mustn’t have a lot.” Touché. Soon what is here will be gone and that is reassuring.
We’ve come to the end of the line so I’ll fill you in about the things I love about you. Now I can afford to be very honest with you because now I’ll be lost among the 10 million people in Metro
Manila
that you will not find and do not care to find anyway. I want you to know because it springs from a generosity of spirit. I want you to see yourself as reflected in my eyes.
I think I’m funny but you are too. We have this funny connection, this bond, this chemistry. If only I could continue to see you as a friend I wouldn’t have to say goodbye. It’s just that I’m afraid for myself. I’m not afraid to be afraid for like Pink’s song sometimes “I’m a hazard to myself…”But if I’m in need of humor, I’d read the funnies, go for canned laughter ,or make myself laugh because I do have funny thoughts…
I love your wit, your flair for words; your intelligence for you cannot string along your thoughts without grey matter in your head. Now if I need wit, I should start conversing with myself, hold debates in my head that either way I’d win…HahahaI know, I know. It wouldn’t be you. I’m just comforting myself. And so if I need a friend, just like what I’ve read, I should buy a dog…
I love your voice, I love listening to you speak, hearing the inflections of your voice... Methinks you should sing for you have a beautiful speaking voice. Try,
Roy
. You’ll never know unless you try. Please don’t be hampered by old ways of thinking that you can’t sing. You can, you just you don’t have confidence yet. How am I doing in the praising department? I’m good? I know. That’s a brownie point for me…LOL If only I could turn your head…but no, that wouldn’t do…
I also love the way you laugh. You have such a nice laugh. You should laugh more often.
I love your light, brown eyes and the way you stand. I regret not being rude, I should have stared at you intently…
For a moment I wanted to know what it is like to be with you. I wanted to know your love but one can’t have everything in life.I used to sing along with Sixpence None the Richer’s song “Don’t Dream , It’sOver” ----There’s a battle ahead, many battles are lost but you’ll never see the end of the road when you’re traveling with me…Now I’m walking again to the beat of a drum, and I’m counting the steps to the door of your heart…”But now the only thing appropriate is the title of the song.I love the song “Sway” with an intensity that borders on the insane but now I’m better off singing Alanis Morisette’s “That I Would Be Good”-- “that I would be good with or without you…” I’m always stirring up a little drama in my life.Hehe I like you but I’m afraid of falling totally in love with you and love is not about being safe. It’s about risks and I realized I have to downsize my needs. I must not need you. You really don’t know me but now you’ll learn that the depth of my pragmatic sensibilities goes deep. I love this song with this line- “I’ll do anything for love but I won’t do that. That’s absolutely, totally me.
When I allowed you to embrace me, it was one isolated lapse of judgment on my part. I sometimes shed my human form.LOL But I will not crucify myself because I did not repulse you. I am human and you caught me by surprise, caught me at a vulnerable point…But I thank you that it happened. It made me realize that I need someone in my life. But I should not lose sleep over it(if the one meant for me does not exist), maintain my busy lifestyle and refrain from acting like a desperate woman in search of The One. Hahaha That’s so pathetic. And I am averse to personal ads that run like this: Urban princess. Woman in her 40s seeks intelligent, funny, sensitive Caucasian man between 50-60-years old. Must be of royal blood and who will treat me like a princess. Now isn’t that hilarious? My friends say that folks like me who can live long stretches of time alone are not the marrying kind. I agree. Some people are meant to be alone. Just between you and me –it’s the Lone Wolf Syndrome at play all over again But I’ll know The One when I see him for I have asked the Lord about him. I will know the signs without a vestige of a doubt.
Seriously now, women my age are better off hooking up with men in their 50s-80s (closer to them than to thee Haha) for guys your age look for women in the younger age bracket which is typical. Hmm, how did I get to be so wise? I was born a sage. Hehe
Now here’s the part where I tell you how I’d love you if you were mine.I’d give you my thoughts, my words, I’d give you stuff I could afford, I’d sing you songs (has anybody sang songs to you? That so sweet…) I’d write you often, I’d talk to you like there was no tomorrow, I’d hold you close minus the petting (Hah!) even if I have designs on your body.Hahaha Gee, I can’t help it, to the very last I can’t stop myself from kidding you…I’d tell you how much you really mean to me. At night, during bedtime yours is one of the names that my sons and I include in our prayers.
I really wanted to love you but I got cold feet (my feelings don’t count actually, you are not mine. Someone owns you, the one you’ve given your heart to).I got good and scared because you know things about me that could lead to my downfall. When you know a secret, it kind of colors things, giving nuances of light and shade. I am afraid of my desires knowing that I’m hot stuff (Read: hot-blooded)Hehe. But these are just temporal needs; there are other things that are more essential like love, friendship, family, career, security, values, principles, ideals,a life in consonance with God’s precepts, the things that last… I cannot just be defined by my sensuality, I am more than that. I acknowledge my sensuality after all I’m made of flesh and blood but I’ll never allow my vision to be clouded by it as long as I’m able. Once a line has been crossed, one can never get back. I’ve been separated from my husband for 9 years already and I have not been guilty of sexual promiscuity. But I did see action in 2002(Hehe), a night in August and one again in December but still with my husband. I’m no saint, I was alone, he came and the rest is history… ---Do you know Lord Chesterfield’s take on sex? Here goes ----“The position is ludicrous, the pleasure is fleeting and the expense damnable”. Very funny, eh? Don’t be fooled by the naughty streak within me, I try to be a good gurl. This reminds me of a quotation that I think fits me-“There’s a girl with a curl on her forehead, when she was good, she was very good but when she was bad, she was horrid.” Heck, I know I’m in need of serious loving but the base, tawdry way of doing it is not meant for me.
Now this is the part where I give you unsolicited advice--- I think you should hook up with a woman closer to your home base (now I’m even thinking that you’re actually a married guy).Why hook up with someone so far from Davao when you could have someone from your home town? I’m hazarding a guess that you hooked up with her through the chat thingy. I’m tempted to think that the beauties of your town are not at fault but you, my dear. I think you should look closer to home, maybe the one you need is right in front of you. I’ll never believe that guys don’t have eyes, I’m sure there’s someone there in your hometown that you like and likes you back. Unless, you tell your girlfriend to move in your hometown there really isn’t a problem. I just know that the ratio is that a long-distance relationship would work out.
I don’t know but I think you will know me more, not that it is important at this point by the way I write because I pour myself heart,mind and soul whenever Ido. I want you to be happy and to take good care of yourself. I wish you the best in life ----good health, great friends, a love that would last you for as long as you live and all the things that will meet your needs. This may be presumptuous of me but I think you should take stock and ask yourself what you really want in life. Are you still happy doing a job that makes you lose sleep big-time? Or are there dreams waiting to be pursued? Sometimes you need to go to a place where you can be alone and really think of things deeply. I hope you’d marry someone (if you’re the marrying kind and is not yet married Hahaha) who’ll really take care of you and would be theanswer to your dreams, one who would share your passion for the things you do. I want you to get much out of life, doing things differently to break the monotony of everyday stuff for life is short. I don’t want you to be just happy. I want you to be intensely, profoundly exultant. I agree with your son, you should go to church on Sunday even if you’re busy…God’s asking you one single day out of your hectic week. I’ve always thought that spirituality is a good thing. Never ever neglect the state of your soul,
Roy
. I could not stress this enough.
Ahh, I’ve written much, haven’t I? But I don’t regret declaring myself. That’s the man in me coming out to the fore .Hahaha I wrote you about the things I feel but I don’t expect a response .I do not ask about things I have already seen and have felt through instinct and deduction. I did this for myself for I do not want to suppress my feelings and I’ve always believed that love is shared and not kept. I decided to write you to bring closure to my friendship with you. At least I have the integrity to finish what I started. I can no longer offer you my friendship because I feel something for you, a feeling that I shall not allow to grow because it is futile,, an utter waste of time and expended emotion. I just don’t trust myself. The Yellow Chicken Syndrome is strong within me… it’s funny but I’ll always look with fondness at the words yellow chicken and scurrying bunnies because you kidded me about that. I guess my instinct for self-preservation is great, that sounds a whole lot better than the Yellow Chicken Syndrome. Hahaha or better yet I’d see it as a move that comes from a position of strength --- the ability to see people for what they really are with clarity, the ability to move forward and go on. I’d miss you but I’vegiven a deadline to myself in allowing myself to miss you. I shall not be bound to emotional tyranny. The other day I watched some tv and the character said”Love is the one game you lose by refusing to play.” But there has been no talk of love and so there’s nothing to lose.
These days I do not want reminders of you, I’m making a mental note to pass by bakeries and anything that would possibly remind me of bread…Hahaha. Damn flour and baking powder! I’ll steer away from shelves that cater to baking needs when I go to the grocery. I’ll also avert my eyes from anything resembling bread. Hahaha I know, I’m being dramatic but I’ll do it. The other week when I didn’t text you for a couple of days, I was already testing the waters. I suffered from headaches for three days straight because I was just using my mind; I was pretending that I didn’t feel a thing for you. I was hiding from myself. But when I called you, my headache disappeared, that’s when I knew that I just wasn’t ready yet to say goodbye. I told myself that I wanted to love you just a little bit longer and then I’d make a decision. I just can’t bar the pain of loving you and being hurt because of it. I’m bracing myself for
Roy
withdrawal symptoms. I’m stopping cold turkey now but I know I’ll live and be alive to tell the tale. I got over a bad marriage. I know I’ll get over anything after that.
Thank you for making me feel the way I feel about you. I feel human because of what I feel. (The way I think, decide about letting myself feel is hardly human.) Thank you for the times you have texted me and made me laugh and smile, for the time you called me when I thought I was dying. Thank you for meeting me, it means a lot. Thank you for holding my hands, you made me feel alive. I’m still thankful that our paths crossed and that you made me happy even for a while.Thank you for the friendship you offered me which I have abused because I fell for you.I am so sorry for the times I may have hurt you. Toad the Wet Sprocket sings “Truth is unkind and neither am I…”Forgive me.If life is perfect would you still know me? I guess not. Hahaha
I shall not write of things like this again because you will not like it. But I shall not allow myself from living fully and honestly. Take care of yourself, Roy and God bless you.I did what I thought is best and proper and that is to say goodbye.
Melda
P.S. Don’t be misled by the bubbly, hilarious way I write. A part of me wants you to laugh. True. But remember this from “Because I Did Not Ask”--“You only see the scar, I have seen the wound and I remember. You only hard the song but I heard and rememberthe silence after the song.
I like this song very much. I was blown away the very first time I've heard it. If my romance fizzles out with Roy I think I'd grieve a little. Hmm, I really don't know. Let me take each day that comes one at a time.
I think Clark and Chloe of Smallville are perfect for this song.
Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
Your fingertips across my skin The palm trees swaying in the wind Images You sang me Spanish lullabies The sweetest sadness in your eyes Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me
[Chorus] Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you Should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street You took my hand and danced with me Images And when you left, you kissed my lips You told me you would never, never forget These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me
[Chorus] Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you Should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean I cannot drive the streets at night I cannot wake up in the morning Without you on my mind So you're gone and I'm haunted And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that Easy to walk right in and out Of my life?
[Chorus] Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you Should have known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do
After watching "Avenue Q" at RCBC Theater last December I found myself listening to the song "There's a Fine Fine Line" over and over and over again at YouTube after the show. To me it's the song that best epitomized my feelings for my crush who used to be a neighbor. Damn gorgeous-looking neighbors! Sniff. They should be arrested for being so cute.Hahaha Anyway, it was a fitting ending to a protacted crush.I could relate to the lines below so much.
"I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,But there's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of your time."
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend; There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend; And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie; And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye." I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime, But there's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore. I don't think that you even know what you're looking for. For my own sanity, I've got to close the door And walk away... Oh...
There's a fine, fine line between together and not And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got. You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of time.
If life is perfect, you would be my special friend. We'd talk for hours. You'd wear out the welcome mat outside my door but I'll never get tired of you.
I would continue to discover new things things about you and I think that would be smashing.
We'd sing together. We'd dance like the crazy people that we are. (At least I know I'm the crazy one...)
If life is perfect we'd watch movies, plays and concerts. We'd share books and read snippets out loud to each other.
We'd go to different places and discover new things together.
We'll have our share of spats but at the end of the day we'll kiss and make up.
If life is perfect, we'd kiss and cuddle many times of the day.
If life is perfect, you and I would be an item.
But life isn't perfect. You occupy a place in my thoughts. You're a tenant in my heart. My eyes are drawn to you even if I know that I should look away.
You've placed a heartache in my breast but it's not your fault.I'm guilty of loving you.
You're the lamentation of my soul, the presence that could have filled the cavernous space in my life.You could have been the song of my existence.
You could have been so many things to me--- the new day that beckons, the gift that's waiting to be opened and enjoyed, the sunshine that warms , the song that uplifts.. .You could have been the very air that is essential to me.
But you are the one thing I couldn't have and it pains me so much.
Dearest, "You only heard the song. But I heard the song and I'll never forget the silence after the song."
September 12, 2007 was the day that heralded a milestone in the justice system when former President Joseph Estrasda was convicted of plunder beyond reasonable doubt. But 6 weeks later, it was a day of ignominy, a travesty of justice when GMA granted him absolute pardon restoring Erap’s civil and political rights with tasteless haste.
The 6 years or so deliberation of the prosecutors had been rendered inutile with the absolute pardon granted by the incumbent president. Pardon should be bestowed on someone who has shown remorse, repentance, contrition, has asked for forgiveness and has learned his lesson. This is what Erap, the convict , now a free man has not shown. He continues to say that he is innocent of the crime of plunder and he had called the Sandiganbayan , a Kangaroo court.
This mockery of justice is a slap on the face. It was a decision borne out of political expediency. It was a decision borne out of political accommodation. It was a decision borne out of political survival of a president whose stay in office is hounded by a legitimacy issue, graft and corruption, the infamous NBN deal, bribery charges, extra-judicial killings, distrust to ad infinitum. It is an act of desperation so that when her time comes, the next president would also show leniency to her.
The pardon sends the wrong message to the people. It shows that corruption of such scale is rewarded in the end. GMA said that she pardoned Erap to pave the way for national reconciliation. It is at best, hogwash beyond contempt. If anything the country is already united in despising her.
Estrada’s pardon is essentially a triumph of power and influence over the law. There are other deserving convicts of lesser crimes who have not been pardoned. What makes him particularly special?
It is right to say that the moment he was pardoned was the saddest moment in the history of the justice system in our country because one woman with vested interests allowed the big fish to go scot-free. Our fight against graft and corruption has taken a backseat.
Blaise Pascal once wrote that justice without force is powerless; and force without justice is tyrannical.How apt. In a nutshell, Estrada’s pardon was a travesty of justice.
Note Bene: I wrote this editorial today (Nov. 1) because I was inspired into writing one because my student-trainees were in the thick of training.
ing myself in the pages of a book, transporting myself to a different plane watching the larger than life images on the big screen at the movies,getting lost in the world of theater, meeting my gay best buds, ebs with my support group members, being passionately alive as I could possibly be but could I drive away the pervading shadows of pensiveness?
